Talk that works: How rapport transforms communication

Rapport is one of those things that we humans do (well, some of us anyway) but don’t really understand the reasons why, or even how to do it. And we don’t really understand the importance of it. What’s the big deal?

Imagine you’re a sales representative meeting a big client for the first time. You’re trying to make a deal that will set both you and your company up. Doesn’t matter whether it’s paperclips or defence weaponry.

What if you’re a detective who’s sitting in an interview with a suspect who’s just (allegedly) committed a horrific crime. Or a police negotiator who’s climbed up on a ledge and starting taking with someone who wants to throw themselves off.

You could even be a manager who needs to have a hard conversation with an employee who’s underperforming, or a Ranger who’s been called to investigate someone dumping rubbish in the local park. Perhaps you’re a lawyer taking with an emotional divorcee for the first time, or an investigator taking a statement from a car crash victim.

Anything to make this communication work better, right? To go smoother, quicker, better information and get the result you want…. whether that’s the big deal, a life saved or doing your job without getting assaulted or abused.

Rapport is the building block of communication that will get you there. Whether in high-stakes negotiations, sensitive mediations, crisis communication, or everyday workplace interactions, establishing rapport facilitates trust, openness, and cooperation. As a professional negotiator and mediator with over three decades in government and administrative roles, I have witnessed firsthand how rapport can de-escalate conflict, improve compliance, enhance collaboration, and lead to more sustainable agreements.

And it will give you a communication superpower if done right.

So is just asking “how’s your day going?” is enough?

That’s a start, but not the best one. Firstly, you don’t really care, you’re just trying hard to build a relationship. You just want what you want.

Building rapport effectively is more than that. It’s a display of professional empathy that will greatly improve your interaction. But it’s got to be done genuinely, because the other party will quickly pick up on it if it isn’t.

So how do I do it then, you ask? Good question…. I’ll tell you at the end!

Rapport in Crisis Communication

Crisis negotiation, such as hostage or suicide intervention, offers perhaps the most striking demonstration of rapport’s power. Here, communication occurs under extreme stress, with life-or-death implications. The FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit has long emphasized Behavioral Influence Stairway Theory (Vecchi, Van Hasselt, & Romano, 2005), which outlines rapport as a central step toward influence.

This model suggests that negotiators move from active listening to empathy, then rapport, which leads to influence, and finally behavioural change. Without rapport, the influence phase cannot be effectively reached. I like to turn this around a bit and start with rapport first, then active listening and empathy. Data from real-world crisis negotiations show that establishing rapport often results in voluntary compliance and peaceful resolutions. It’s the same with de-escalation or trying to communicate with someone who’s angry, frustrated or aggressive. It’s all about trust.

And,

Rapport = Trust. Simple as that.

The FBI estimates that crisis negotiators successfully resolve 80–90% of incidents through dialogue alone—highlighting rapport as a critical tool.

Rapport in Workplace Communication

In professional environments, rapport fosters collaboration, reduces conflict, and enhances employee engagement. As a manager, being able to build rapport with someone you need to have a difficult conversation with, is essential to the outcome. More generally, leaders who build rapport with their teams tend to inspire more trust and discretionary effort.

The ability to establish rapport enables managers to provide feedback more effectively, delegate tasks confidently, and resolve interpersonal tensions with greater ease.

Techniques for Building Rapport

Building rapport is both art and science. While some people are natural at it, many of its techniques can be learned and can be consciously applied. Also, successful rapport takes practice. Things like mirroring, labelling emotions, the art (yes, it’s an art) of active listening, showing professional empathy, being authentic and understanding and applying cultural sensitivity. These are learnt skills that help you build rapport.

And importantly – as Ted Lasso points out – be curious, not judgemental. You’ll be amazed how much this tip can help you build rapport and communicate better generally.

In negotiation or mediation, it is often beneficial to spend time in informal conversation before addressing core issues. This not only reduces tension but also establishes common ground—an essential ingredient in rapport.

Challenges and Ethical Considerations

While rapport can be a powerful tool, it must be used ethically. Building rapport to manipulate or deceive—particularly in sales or high-stakes legal contexts—can backfire and erode long-term trust. Transparency and intent matter. Moreover, excessive rapport can sometimes lead to over-identification, where a negotiator or mediator loses objectivity due to personal affinity.

The number one rule we were taught as police negotiators is…. never lie. Trust is lost and rapport will be lost. You may as well not even turn up.

Rapport is not merely a soft skill—some people things it’s fluff – it is a core component of strategic communication. From resolving international disputes to calming a distressed individual, rapport enables the kind of trust and openness that drives cooperation and resolution. It influences not only what is communicated, but how messages are received, interpreted, and acted upon.

And, as promised, he’s my number one quick tip (amongst other) in building rapport:

Start talking about something that has nothing to do with what you’re there to talk about.